The Pursuit of Happiness : and few impairments thereof

There is a modern-day Greek proverb which roughly translates as “Happiness does not require hard effort but skill.” An effortless happiness of sorts, so long as you know how to do it. The kind of Greek happiness which one can obtain through skill is intuitively different from the American kind of happiness, the one famously codified in the Declaration of Independence by none other than Thomas Jefferson. The American happiness requires pursuit. The pursuit of happiness is listed as an inherent human right, right next to life and liberty. Why did Thomas Jefferson not simply say happiness plus life and liberty? Mostly because there is nothing simple about happiness. Intellectual honesty in the discussion of happiness requires long explanations and many disclaimers. The most famous disclaimer of happiness is perhaps the one written by Leo Tolstoi. He said that all happy families are similar, but each unhappy one is unhappy in its own unique way. It is the opening line of his book, Anna Karenina. As much as I hold the book in esteem (hint: not much), I have to disagree with the Russian’s observation on the uniqueness of unhappiness. It may be simply the fact that Leo Tolstoi never practiced law. Or never held a corporate job. Because if he did, he would quickly find out that the impairments of happiness stem from very particular and repeating patterns of human behavior.

Why am I spending my waking hours thinking about happiness? Short answer, I generally don’t. My personal aspiration is to reside permanently in a state of contentment. That way, I am not unhappy like a Russian family, but I am also not in a constant pursuit of unattainable American bliss. I can sustain that contentment almost indefinitely. Which in turn frees up my brain cells to do other, more useful tasks. Like watching YouTube. Or reading about the latest escapades of our Congressional so-called representatives. You get my irony. The reason why I am presently thinking about happiness is because a (very much former) client of mine did something which dislodged me from my steady place of contentment. And not in a good way. Therefore, this article is my 5-step plan to fortify my place of happiness against future assaults. It is also a public service announcement. Feel free to borrow and apply ideas.

Step One. Let’s be clear where happiness comes from.

I do believe that the main drivers of happiness are internal. There is an entire school of philosophy (hint: Stoicism) which teaches that happiness can be found only within. I am not here to repeat what has already been said by Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and other people much smarter than myself. But I do have a couple of worthwhile pedestrian observations of my own. Firstly, people constantly scan their own situation and compare their current situation to the past. If their present circumstances are improving, people tend toward happiness. Second, people constantly scan the circumstances of their peer group and compare themselves to others in their peer group. Or rather, people compare themselves against the ones who they aspire to be peers with. This constant comparison is what drives the desire for more possessions, more things, more money, higher status. When it comes to money in particular, study after study shows that people consistently cite a dollar number about 3 times higher than their present wealth as the key to happiness. In other words, if someone has 1 million dollars, they think that having 3 million dollars is the key to ultimate happiness. You can extrapolate the numbers indefinitely. The studies are also very consistent that there is absolutely no permanent happiness derived from financial wealth. The novelty of newly-acquired wealth wears off incredibly fast and the comparisons begin anew within an elevated peer group of wealthier people. In other words, billionaires are not happier than you. Their lives are infinitely more comfortable and secure, but the brain of the human ape does not register this condition of comfort as continuous happiness. Hence the saying that people do not care to be wealthy. They just care to be wealthier than other people they know. Step number one on the road to happiness is to have a proper attitude toward possessions and wealth. Know your peer group limitations. Do not assume that any amount of money will significantly upgrade your mental well-being.

Step Two. Accept that happiness is not a state of mind.

Happiness is a psychological reward mechanism of the human brain. It is never a permanent state of mind. Humans have not evolved to achieve permanent or even continuous happiness. Such continuous happiness does not exist. Even in places like Denver with unlimited supplies of edibles. Nobody, absolutely nobody in the world, has achieved their station in life through bliss and complacency. We need motivation to go through life and part of that motivation is the pursuit of happiness itself. Happiness is an exclusive personal privilege. People’s happiness is not interchangeable. I read somewhere that in life people experience on average a total of 2 years of boredom and only 14 minutes of pure happy bliss. That’s why in the rare moments of pure bliss, just enjoy. You get 14 minutes in a lifetime. On average.

Step Three. Be proactive and do not delay happiness.

Life is very fragile and can quickly turn a good situation into a tragedy. Anyone who has lost a friend or a relative to sickness or accident knows this all too well. Because of this, it is important to remember that we should not delay happiness in life. I don’t believe in things like “paying your dues” to launch a career, going the extra mile for an employer, skipping vacation, and so forth. You need to make the adjustments that need to be made in order to get happiness now. Do not postpone it. We can plan for the future, but we have to do whatever is necessary to get as much happiness in the present as possible. It is very tempting to put off doing something. Procrastination is in our nature. Finding an excuse is easier than finding motivation. But we need to be proactive when it comes to the pursuit of happiness. I work hard to put aside my insecurities, my inner frustrations, lack of confidence, anything that stands between me and a happier self. One thing is for sure, no one else in the whole world is vested in making you happier (except possibly your parents and maybe your spouse if you get really lucky in the marriage department). Other than that, absolutely nobody gives a dime. So, it is entirely up to you to get it done for yourself. Get out and do it. Use your best judgment, your initiative and imagination. These are the things that will pull you through. There is a very succinct way to summarize this entire paragraph: life is short, go get your 14 minutes now.

Step Four.  Maintain good relationships, avoid loneliness and conflict.

I first heard this concept circa 2015 in a televised TED talk. There was a long-term Harvard study on happiness and the director of the study summarized it in a 10-minute presentation. The study had been going for over 75 years and it was still in process, as some participants in their 90s continued to submit information. The number one lesson was that wealth, fame, hard work, high achievement were not predictive of happiness. What emerged time and time again was that good relationships is what determined one’s happiness. Social connections are good, loneliness is toxic. Loneliness leads to health and brain function decline. Lesson number two, it is not just the number of friends but the quality of one’s friends that makes a difference. Living in conflict is very bad. That’s why I always advise clients to avoid lawsuits and protracted conflict. The people most satisfied with their relationships at 50 were the healthiest people at 80. Lesson three, good relationships protect the brain a lot. Memory stays sharper for longer. The conclusion was that we should treat our friends as an invaluable collection, like a trophy to be treasured. Don’t let good relationships slip away, and immediately discard the bad ones. In my line of work, I don’t tolerate bad clients or disfunctional people. So far, it serves me well. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t seek absolute reciprocity. As we advance in life, our friends are fewer and it becomes harder to make new ones. It is doubly important to preserve the good friends we already have.

Step Five. Don’t necessarily pursue.

Knowing what to do and actually getting to do it are two completely different matters. But if you remind yourself from time to time that joy can be found in the little thing and little casual moments, that would certainly help you along in your quest for happiness. On a purely philosophical level, I am not entirely convinced if happiness is something that can be or should be actively pursued. Sometimes it seems like a very viable strategy is to go through life’s motions and let happiness ensue. There is hardly any generalized meaning of life or some universal kind of happiness either. We are all set in different circumstances as human beings and each of us is going through the necessities of daily survival, thus setting our own destiny. What we do need, however, is a sense of purpose. The purpose will give meaning to our existence. And finding that purpose for ourselves is the ultimate meaning of life. Having kids is one tremendous source of meaning. Having loved ones is too. Having a professional aspiration could be it. Having a hobby could be as well. Staying healthy is a major one. That about covers the basics. Life, Liberty + LOL.

P.S. I never told you what my former client did to trigger my philosophical rant. It is a long story, but the short version is that they tricked me into doing a decent amount of labor for free. Working for callous scumbags in the top 0.1% is a major impairment to my happiness, as it should be for everyone else. It is part of being in business, but when it happens, it hurts our primal sense of fairness. And a damaged sense of fairness is quite the opposite of happiness. It pushes out angry tears like my son in this picture from circa 2011.